I went to pick over the carcass of the local Borders store today (Borders has recently announced all its UK shops are closing). I can’t remember a more depressing shopping experience, what with half-empty book shelves and Tom Jones on in the background (”I, I who have nothing…”, “I’ll never fall in love again”, and so forth. Not that I think Tom Jones is particularly depressing per se, but in the context of the half-empty store he sounded rather melancholic). It’s all quite sad. Borders might be a chain store, but it’s not as if it closing down is going to make way for a lot of independent shops to fill in the gap, it’ll just mean fewer book stores full stop - I can only think of Waterstones as the other major book retailer in the UK. And at least Borders did the Americanized thing where you could take books into the cafe to read, and they organized book groups and quizzes and author events, which Waterstones seems less inclined to do.

I almost didn’t buy any books in the end: I was both overwhelmed by the price cuts (40-50% off everything) and underwhelmed by the choices, and as a consequence wandered around the shop in a daze. If I hadn’t gotten out right when I did, I’d probably still be stuck there now, browsing the near empty bookshelves with Tom singing ‘Delilah’ in the background.

I did manage to grab one book on the way out, though (when I say ‘grab’, I mean I paid for it, obviously), though it was a non-fiction book as a Christmas present for my sister, rather than a fiction book for me: The Ladies’ Oracle*, by Cornelius Agrippa, first published in 1857. At least, it was originally supposed to be a present for her, but I’m rethinking that idea now that I’ve found out just how useful this book is! From the back cover:

With his collected knowledge of advanced mathematics and the feminine kind, Cornelius Agrippa has endeavored to create a veritable bible for every aspiring lady. This charming compendium of solutions is an absolute necessity for anyone seeking guidance in an increasingly confusing world.

I am nothing if not an aspiring lady, so thus intrigued by the promises on the back, I began to read. The book contains a comprehensive list of questions at the beginning, and a chart of sixteen symbols; having picked a question, you then close your eyes and pick one of the symbols. A chart on the next page allows you to match symbol with question number, and you are sent to another page to get your answer. In general, I found it to be startlingly accurate, albeit harsh at times. The first question I put to it was “Am I thought pretty?” Back came the answer, “Yes, at night, without light or moon” - I have to be honest and say this did nothing to lift my melancholic spirits. My second, rather apprehensive question was “What is generally thought of my intelligence?” and the reply was “That it is rusting through lack of use”. This answer I thought to be very fair (for instance, I had just picked up a copy of Umberto Eco’s novel Foucault’s Pendulum, but put it back again because I couldn’t concentrate sufficiently to get through the first page. The internet has ruined me).

Convinced of its usefulness, it was at this point that I bought it, but I have since learned that the number of husbands I shall have is “one for the daytime and one for the night”, which sounds like a workable arrangement to me; and of the number of lovers, “When you get to ten, there shall still be more to count”. The problem now is that I really want to keep this book for myself, to serve as a sort of guidebook through life - so it’s back to Borders tomorrow, to scavenge amongst the wreckage for another copy for my sister (and if not, socks never go out of fashion, do they?)

* I am aware of the irony of lamenting the loss of Borders while linking to Amazon…